Goodbye, Jim.

Having successfully fought the urge to make the title of this post, “He’s dead, Jim” I still could not let that phrase go.  Now, I should warn you right now that this post is not going to do anything for anyone’s opinion of me.  I am pretty sure if you like me, you may reconsider after reading this.  If you already think I am a bitch, well, this is the post to prove that theory.

My mother‘s husband, Jim Cassin, died earlier today.  He had been suffering from pulmonary fibrosis for at least the past few years, though it only got really bad since February or so.  I went to visit my mother last Christmas and he was doing ok then.  He was biking five miles a day so I assumed he was ok.  Of course, I didn’t really care one way or the other so I didn’t give his health a whole lot of thought.

So now, I am writing up my feelings about his life (and death) and I am not really sure what they are.  Let me explain.

My mother met and married Jim when I was a teenager.  An incredibly angry and surly teenager (I am sure there are dictionaries with a photo of me at 14 next to “surly” or “evil”).  I was particularly angry with my mother who left me to be raised by a violent sociopath.  She didn’t help her case by coming back to Long Island once or twice a year and trying to give me rules to follow.  Right, like that was going to work.

It was pretty clear that she had fallen pretty hard for this guy.  I never saw what she saw but hell, the heart wants what it wants, right?  So they were married.  I would like to tell you when they were married but I didn’t find out about it for some months after the event so I am not really sure.  I was pretty pissed off about that, too but when it hit me that she had just written herself out of ever complaining about my marital status, ever, I found a way to get over it.

Meanwhile, Jim was never really nice to me.  My mother would tell me that “he never signed up to be a parent.”  I wanted to say, “Yeah, well, I was here before him.”  I might have actually said that once or twice but nothing came of it.  It was pretty clear that if the choice ever had to be made between him and me, she would pick him.  You may be thinking that sounds extreme or like an overreaction but it really isn’t.  A few years before they moved to Florida, he and I had a disagreement over his reaction to her cancer.  I said, “When are you going to take this more seriously?”  As a follow up, I asked her what the marriage was doing for her.  After spending the day in the hospital with her, she asked me to hide so he wouldn’t see me when he came to pick her up.

It was the last time I was allowed in their house for at least four years.  During that time, I got really sick and spent the better part of a year in the hospital.  She was barely able to visit me and it was a hard time for me.

Eventually, Jim relented and let me visit them in Florida.  I think he saw that he was hurting her and at the end of the day, as sadistic as he was, he didn’t like doing that.

Over the years, I never got the point where I liked him.  My first impressions from San Francisco where he actually hit on me (at 16 and 17) never really left me totally.  The combination of that and his self-centered nature made me never feel connected at  all to him.  Moreover, he was actively mean to a lot of people, me included.

What do you think?

It’s a simple question of justice

This week a number of people have been up in arms over California’s prop 8.  Honestly, I have always been a fan of democracy but even too much of a GOOD thing can be bad.  California proves that again and again.  Fourteen years ago they passed another proposition that was all about discrimination.  Prop 187 denied education, any social services and a host of other things to immigrants and their children.  (FYI the only federal aid they can receive money from the Women, Infants and Children or WIC fund.)  Most of it was struck down as being unconstitutional as the Supreme Court had already ruled schools cannot get funding should they deny immigrants’ children, who are legal citizens, an education.  The real problem was that it spawned similar referendums in other states.  It’s so easy to find a group to vilify.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proposition_187

 

Now it seems that one group we all feel we can oppose, legally anyway, is gays and lesbians. I live in an East Coast city where people don’t generally want to be considered homophobic but the undercurrent of homophobia runs through the capitol.  Some papers tried to ‘out’ Members of Congress by publishing ‘the list.’ ‘The list’ was a list of gay staffers on the Hill. The point was to show the hypocrisy displayed by politicians who claim to oppose homosexuality at home but then support it in Washington, DC.  No, it was not as scary a period as the McCarthy hearing days but people on the Hill were running around wondering will my name be on the list? Sounds ‘Orwellian,’ doesn’t it?  At the end of the day, the way our society treats those we view as not being ‘normal’ is draconian.

 

My position on the issue of gay marriage has evolved over the years.  Growing up in San Francisco (partially anyway) may have had something to it.  If you find love, you are lucky.  If you happen to find it with someone of the same gender, who cares?  I thought we were supposed to revere love and marriage?  I was always taught that marriage promotes stability in communities.  It is supposed to be a good thing.

 

Having said that, while I got in trouble with some for – and I swear on all I hold holy – being ‘too open minded’ in college (one year two women moved into my dorm suite and let me tell you the fur flew for months when we found one woman was openly bi and the other was a lesbian) the idea of gay marriage never meant much to me.  Being straight, it wasn’t something that impacted me directly so I just didn’t think about it.  Then I attended an event that changed everything.

 

My parents lived in Washington, DC and a few friends came to town to go to the annual Pride march.  The funny part of this story comes first.  We had another friend visiting from San Francisco, also for the march.  The catch about him is he always walks around naked.  The first time I met him he was naked and I was much more embarrassed than him, he didn’t care at all.  In any case, a caravan of women arrive at my mom’s house, most are lesbians who probably had not need a naked man in a long time, and that’s when our friend answered my mom’s door  in the nude.  What I would not give to see the looks on my friends’ faces.

 

But that’s just a funny anecdote.  The important thing happened later.  There was a mass wedding held in front of the Department of Justice.  I never understood the significance of getting up in front of the world – your family, friends and God (if you believe in one) and telling someone that you love them and want to spend the rest of your life loving them.  Moreover, the government treats married couples differently.  It’s not just the tax code or health benefits.  You become part of a unit.

 

My personal belief is that your sexual orientation is something you are born with, like your eye or hair color.  You can try to change it but you will get roots later.  I also wonder what threat gay marriage poses to straight marriage.  I have asked people who oppose gay marriage (and adoption) what it is they oppose, are they secretly gay?  Does the gay lifestyle (and I don’t actually think there is one ‘gay lifestyle’ anymore than there is one ‘straight lifestyle’) so appealing that should gay marriage be allowed everywhere that straight couples all over America will decide (in my head it is always in unison) Oh, my God!  I can legally marry someone of the same gender as me!  I am outta here!  Is straight marriage such a fragile institution that we have to limit it this way?  (Actually it might be very fragile, seeing as the American divorce rate I think tops 50 percent, making me think we should make it harder for straight people to marry.)  How are straight people hurt by gay marriage?

 

Prop 8 was a real disappointment because most of the nation thinks people out there are more progressive.  They are not but that’s what people think (Reagan was from CA as was Nixon).  I am glad people are protesting.  I am happy Steve Young’s (Mormon and descendent of Bingham Young) Bay Area home had signs opposing prop 8. Oh, FYI, there was a time when we owned slaves (well not me, I am a woman, women were also property), African-Americans & women could not vote and children were allowed to work.  Gay marriage (and adoption) will become legal.  It’s not a matter of when or if, it’s a simple question of justice.

 

http://abcnews.go.com/US/Story?id=6262989&page=2

 

Edited later…  I wanted to add something to this about Christmas, I know that seems random but random is part of what this blog is.  When I worked for Senator Feinstein we had a Christmas tree in the front office.  Christmas is my ultimate favorite time of year.  There are few things prettier that New York City (or Paris, where I was lucky enough to spend Christmas last year) in December.  The decorations (in December), the cheer, the goodwill…  Oh, how I adore the season.  For me, it was never about Jesus Christ.  He may be the ‘reason for the season’ to you but I was never baptized nor am I sure I am a real Christian.  My theological dilemma aside, I never understood it when people took issue with Christmas.  To be fair, even I think the season should start AFTER Thanksgiving. Xmas stuff before that date kind of make me puke.  Seriously, Christmas in August.  Keep it to yourself!

 

When a Jewish coworker brought up her discomfort at having a tree I didn’t understand what she meant.  Senator Feinstein is also Jewish, for whatever that may be worth.  Part of this all could be the commercial nature of it, do we need decorations in August?  No.  But for me, Christmas equals a thought process wuite differernt than believing Christ is your savior.  It marks a time of year when people just seem nicer.  And the world seems to glow.  Pepole talk to each other and say nice things.  For one month of the year the frost outside makes us warmer to each other.  I like that.  But I was raised Christian.  While the religiousness was lost on me, it is implicit in everything about the holiday.  Even if you are bothered, as I am, by the implications of Santa (what does he have to do with God?) the name makes it a holiday for one group of people.  Like with the issue of gay marria I never understood what it was like to be an outsider looking in because I never was in that position.  I was wrong.

 

The parallel between Christmas for non-Christians and marriage for gays is that it is a pageant for which some have been intentionally excluded.  That sucks.  That is not what our government is supposed to do.  We celebrate a day sends a distinct message: This isn't for you.  I still love Christmas but that is not right.

 

Our Constitution and our government were constructed to protect the minority from the majority.  As we enter the Christmas season we need to remember that a little more.  In fact those of us who celebrate this holiday because 'Jesus is the reason for the season' have a greater responsibility.  My very limited religious education taught me that even if he was not the son of God or a profit and that he was born in April, not December, makes me think if he were to have a birthday party, everyone — including his Jewish family, his gay friends and family and his friends of all other religions would be invited.  Best of all, you knew when Jesus threw a party, there was more than enough wine.

 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend