Happy Easter (for reals this time)

If you are so inclined, I hope your Easter celebrations were good.  My day was destroyed by the devastating news that Justin Bieber‘s monkey was confiscated in Germany.  He apparently did not have the correct paperwork for his pet, who is now in quarantine.  This is all true, you can read the story here.  Side question: what is it about fame and fortune that makes people go completely insane?  For Bieber, and I speak from personal experience from my days at RCA Victor (no, not with Bieber), I blame his handlers and the record company execs who treat him like he shits gold.  I worked with artists who completely sane and normal when they started with us and as they asked for things — and got them — they became more and more self centered, whiny and just bat fucking insane.  I was a publicist and I had artists call me at home (and on my cell) pretty much any time they felt so inclined.  Just getting in from a night of partying and you want to know what your Soundscan numbers are?  Just call your publicist.  She doesn’t need to sleep.  PS.  Dear Mr. Bieber, while you are on top of the world now, in a year, or five, no one will care who you are so make sure your financial advisors don’t suck because your music career has an expiration date and I think someone should tell you that.  Don’t take my word for it, ask  someone you trust and who doesn’t depend on you for their living.  If you don’t have a person like that in your life, and you may not (Lindsay Lohan clearly doesn’t either), buy one, rent one, find one on Craig’s list, just do it.  You’ll thank me later.

Luckily, my day was saved by news about this invention.  What is it?  A toothbrush that plays music.  What music?  One Direction was mentioned in the ad I saw.  I MUST GET ONE IMMEDIATELY.  Anyone who knows me knows I love brushing my teeth (seriously, I wake up at night and sometimes get up to brush them), so add One Direction to my tooth brushing, well, it is a glorious time to be alive.  Glorious, I tell you!  Glorious!

Other thoughts from today include…

Who writes the copy for Safeway frozen dinners?  I am lazy and cooking just is too much a lot so I do eat frozen food a lot.  I like the Safeyway dinners because they are decent and cheap but I happened to look at the back of their fettucini alfredo, the description reads “A Delicious Classic with a Delightful Ending” (capitalization is theirs).  What is that all about? You know what that says to me, “If you like it going in, you will love it coming out.” Nothing makes me excited about food like the expectation of an awesome crap later.  To think I thought eating the food was the fun part!

Oh, on my Daily Banter page, which you need to check out right now, I mentioned a humorous story about my mother – and this is one where she doesn’t look bad so I don’t have to worry about that (at least not right now).  When I first moved to Washington, DC, I lived with my mother and her husband.  A few months later, a group of my friends came to DC to attend a pride rally.  They were mostly lesbians, which is only relevant because of what happened when they rang my mother’s door and their reaction.  You see, we also had a family friend visiting and he liked to walk around naked.  He was sleeping on our couch when they rang the bell and naturally answered the door and he was, as usual, naked.  My friends, who may not have seen a naked man in a very long time were not expecting that – “Are you sure this is Alyson’s mother’s house?” They asked.  He assured them that is was and brought them in and then tried to rouse me (it was 7:00 am on a Saturday and I had been out late the night before, yes, I was hungover, sue me).  Then they all sat uncomfortably in the living room.  When my mother returned from the store, her surprise was at my friends’ arrival and my friends were surprised by her reaction to his nakedness, which was no response at all.  Anyway, I was proud of her that day.  Still wish I didn’t have to come out as straight every Christmas but what are you gonna do?

And as it is Easter, I am watching the Wizard of Oz.  This means my obsession with the munchkin suicide.  I don’t care if the “myth” has been debunked, I think it is real.  Please watch this video.

The icing on my day was having to call Comcast as the old cable box I had made me choose between having a picture or audio.  They actually asked me “Which do you want, picture or audio?”   Uh, both?  Anyway, after getting a new box and spending hours dealing with them, it still doesn’t work and after getting the account number, serial numbers for both boxes and more information than I give my physician, they said if I did not give the social security number of the account holder (not mine but I would not give it if it was our of principle) they would “find it hard to believe” that I am authorized to have them send a signal to the box.  I asked the representative what they were thinking.  What, am I part of some crazy gang that breaks into houses and fixes their cable?  Yo, Pete, put down that computer, these people have terrible cable reception, we need to fix this.

Oh, and while I am being random…  I saw three deer in a neighbor’s yard yesterday.  I nearly fainted and thought it was great.  Great, I tell you!  Great!  Then my landlord told me that DC has a new program where sharp shooters can kill deer in Rock Creek Park to reduce their over population.  I never saw Bambi (really, and no, I have not seen ET either) but they looked like her and may meet the same fate (I hear she is shot at the end, talk about a reason not to watch a movie or show it to kids — hey kids, wanna watch a movies about a cute animal that you will love?  Warning: they kill that cute animal at the end. And people think the movies about serial killers I watched as a child were disturbing).

But I have digressed from celebrating Jesus’ rebirth.  I love that what we do for this doesn’t have anything to do with Jesus.  I mean I love peeps as much as the next person but were marshmallows around when Jesus was alive?

Seriously, I hope you had a great day and if this day has meaning for you — I wish you the best.  And I mean that sincerely.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ch-ch-ch-changes

 

The NY Times Square Virgin Megastore is closing.  That may mean nothing to you, just another casualty of the current economic crisis.  To me, however, it’s huge.

 

A lifetime ago, or so it seems, I took a job as publicist (my title was way longer I think it was manager for press and promotions for RCA Victor and related labels…seriously, the longer the title, the less it means) for BMG Classics.  The one thing that made me different from my peers was not that I was better at anything I did but that I had never wanted to work in music and they all did.  Because I am naïve I assumed the hard part about moving back to NYC was getting a job.  Silly, silly girl.  I looked at 25 apartments my first week and cried about five times.  One had a staircase so small – and I watch shows like ‘Big Medicine’ and I am not ‘super obese’ or even regular obese but if I were to gain five pounds, I would never make it in to my own apartment.  I found a place through a broker.  The first place he showed me was covered – literally – in linoleum.  Why??  No idea.  I took a great place in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn.  Life was sweet.  Until the reality of my job sunk in.

 

When you work at a record company there are a few things you learn sooner than later.  If it not something you have wanted to do since birth, it sucks ass.  Really.  The music industry is the meanest, nastiest business I have ever seen.

 

Back then, there was an ad on from AT&T, it showed a man getting into the elevator on the ground floor.  On almost every floor he was greeted by people who said things like, “Good job!” and the further up he went the more praise he got until he was told he was being summoned to the top office.  I experienced that in reverse.  About three weeks after I moved to NYC, and signed a year long lease, two thirds of my department were fired.  Being the last person hired I expected to get the axe, too but I didn’t.  Then one day I took the elevator down and felt ok when I got in on floor 41 but desperately needed a drink when I got to the lobby.

 

This sounds like it will be a sad story but it isn’t.  Ten months later I was called in for what the most painful job review of my life.  Be patient this does really get amazing.  The review started with “this is going to be tough on you.”  That was the high point.  This man wanted me to quit.  What he didn’t know was I had more strength in me than he would ever have.  I refused to quit and he would say, ‘I don’t know how nice you are to me, after all I have done.’  What he didn’t know was every time I looked in the mirror I thought I am not that guy. 

 

Why does that matter?  The whole experience made me see that one bad episode does not make a career.  Believe in yourself and others will, too.  I owe that man a thank you.

 

I understand why the Virgin Megastore is closing, it closes a chapter in my life that has really been over for years but now we all know it’s over, it’s no longer personal.

 

And now back to your normally scheduled programming…

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You cannot be serious. Oh, wait. You are.

Didya hear?

The saying ‘lipstick on a pig’ is sexist.  Questioning the experience of a VP candidate is sexist if the candidate is female (and a Republican, just you hush up Geraldine Ferraro).  Sarah Palin told Congress to put their ‘bridge to nowhere’ money up their butt.  If you can see a foreign country from your state, you have foreign policy experience.

Well, did you know all of that?  John McCain said it, and he is a war hero so it must be true.  I could go into how ridiculous these statements are.  Or I could go on about how sad it is that our media thinks reporting lies and crap equals being balanced.  I could but this misses the point.  While we are talking about this crap, we are wasting our chance to examine the people running for the two tops jobs in the country.  We are in a war, our economy is tanking, the environment is a mess and we are talking about hockey moms. 

Every time I see a new headline about this stuff I have to ask, are these people serious?  The problem is that they are.  Very.  I look at this coverage and see it for what I think it is: the GOP playing the game the way they know how but there are people who buy into it. Their response is “Quit picking on good, decent, God-fearing Sarah.  She’s just as qualified as Obama.  Country first!”   If you really put the country first, you would vote for someone new.  Even if you don’t agree with Barack Obama on anything, can’t you at least admit that your side had a shot and now it is someone else’s turn. This is a democracy after all.

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The X-Files: I want to believe

 

Oh, I wanted to believe.  I REALLY wanted to believe.

 

 

WARNING:  If you have not seen “The X-Files:  I want to believe” and want to, do not read this. 

 

I loved the X-Files when it was on TV so I really wanted to enjoy the movie.  I wanted to believe so much that I kept believing it would get better throughout the entire movie.  This is going to get good any minute.  Any time now it is going to make sense.  I chanted that to myself silently throughout the film and was chanting up until the closing credits ran.  It never got good and Chris Carter et al should never be allowed to make a movie again.  Ever.

 

Why was it so bad?  It’s hard to know where to start.  If your characters are good people will follow them anywhere.  Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) were the heart of the series and are two of my favorite TV characters ever.    My core problem is with them.  Never before have I seen two characters resist change so vigorously.  Anyone who watched the show is familiar with the general story arch we always got.  Mulder believed all sorts of crazy things and Scully was a skeptic.  Fine.  That worked for however many years the show was on but now it seems they have had reset buttons installed where any insight they may have gained earlier is gone.   Their dichotomy is one thing that makes this team work but in this film they were both static.  Duchovny was actually the best part of the movie but I wanted to throttle Anderson.  The Scully on TV was a skeptic, the film Scully was a bitter bitch.

 

The plot didn’t help matters.  Aside from the very gratuitous scenes reminding you of the show (Mulder still eats sunflower seeds and throws his pencils at the ceiling, fascinating I know) the movie could not really decide if it was about the Mulder/Scully relationship or the case they were trying to solve so you never really got enough of either.  The film, I guess, takes place in the present day, some six years since the last film.  Scully is a practicing doctor at a hospital – and here I must digress.  The scenes where Dr. Scully is in the hospital killed any credibility for me.  Seriously, she supposedly joined the FBI right out of med school and never did a residency.  Maybe she did it since the last movie.   Maybe I can give them that. I cannot, however, believe that a responsible physician would look up a highly dangerous and experimental procedure on the internet and then perform it herself.  Also if she is a primary care doctor, she would not be a surgeon.  Especially not a brain surgeon.  (Is that too nitpicky?)

 

Anyway, Scully is a doctor with a very sick patient and Mulder spends his days clipping articles about random things and tacking them to walls in his home office.  The FBI charged him with something (we never learn what) and he is a bearded (BAD look) recluse who is not married to Scully but they are together.  When the FBI reaches out to Scully to find Mulder she replies “I don’t work with Fox Mulder anymore.”  The only reason they go through her is so she can say that line because two minutes into helping the FBI she has a hissy fit and yells “Mulder, this is not about saving your sister!”  Another gratuitous reminder of the show put in there just to give Scully something to say.

 

The case involves an FBI agent who has been kidnapped and a psychic who has been helping the FBI.  The lead agent (Amanda Peet) needs Mulder’s “insight into psychics.”  The catch?  The psychic is a Catholic priest, wait it gets better; “Father Joe” (Billy Connolly) is also a pedophile!  No!  Did I mention Scully’s hospital is run by the church?  Anyone remember she was a huge Catholic? (Side note:  how can someone be so immune to new ideas and have so much ‘faith’?)  Conveniently, the agent disappeared close to where Mulder and Scully live so she can continue to work at the hospital while he works on the case.

 

The movie gives you a taste of what the Mulder/Scully romance is like but not enough to really care about it.  They are in bed one night and she can’t sleep because of her really sick patient and then he can’t sleep because of the case and they talk about a child, who apparently died, but never scratch the surface.  By not allowing us to care about them, the romantic scenes are just gross.  I felt like I was in the fifth grade or had turned in to Fred Savage from “The Princess Bride” Oh, gross.  They’re kissing again!  Do we need to see the kissing parts?

 

The irony is that while we are not catching up with our old friends, we aren’t really getting a good mystery, stand-alone X-Files story either.  The case starts out well enough but then as we get interested, everything moves too fast.  When another girl is kidnapped, her car is found later that day.  When Mulder is driven off the road and a snow storm hits his car is also found really fast.  Scully is able to get help from their old boss, Wayne Skinner, and they both find Mulder and rescue everyone in about five minutes.  Whaa???  One thing, I liked about the show was they always seemed to point out that just because a certain theory can work, and may make sense, that does not mean it explains what happened.  Where the show had creativity, this was rushed and way too neat.

 

I’d give kudos to Chris Carter for making a stand alone movie rather than one with that conspiracy that even he never understood, if the result didn’t SUCK.

 

That’s two hours of my life I am never getting back.

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